


In which Dirk and Karkat watch romcoms and cry about boys in an unspecified location.

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-26
Updated: 2012-02-13
Packaged: 2017-10-30 03:25:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/327236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The title pretty much says it all. Will at some point contain sloppy makeouts. UPD8 sloppy makeouts are now happenin this is the best ship, over</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SO MANY THANKS to tumblr user wonderbottom for help&inspiration! *DIAMOND DIAMOND DIAMOND*  
> Additionally, I'm not entirely sure how good this is, so constructive feedback is much, MUCH appreciated! Really.

So here they were, sitting rather uncomfortably in a pile that was equal parts stuffed animals and robot parts, 50 First Dates playing on the computer in front of them. Karkat was talking about the differences between what they’re watching and the troll version of said film, which is apparently vastly superior, when he suddenly fell off the pile again. For someone who was apparently the village two wheel device when it came to shooshing and papping, Karkat was pretty bad at sitting around in piles, Dirk thought. He moved around a bit, spread his legs so that Karkat could sit between them and lean back against his chest. Karkat was short enough that he could see the computer screen just fine from behind him. Dirk rested his chin on the top of Karkat’s head, tried to stay still so Karkat’s hair wouldn't tickle his face.

  
It had been a while since he was this close to someone who wasn’t a robot, for this long. When he met Roxy in the game they hugged it out, and since then they’ve had a couple of feelings jams, one Sburb survivor to another, but this is different. He’s not even goi ng to count the awkward fistbumps from his bro.

  
Karkat was really warm, and he smelled sort of like Roxy’s cat experiments, simultaneously more animal and more alien than how a human would smell. The weight of his body against Dirk’s chest was’t too heavy, but it was heavy enough. Every now and then he could feel the alien tensing and relaxing in response to what happened on the screen, or the distant voices of the other kids and trolls, or seemingly for no good reason. Sometimes Karkat shifted a little, wriggling around, digging his sharp elbows into Dirk’s stomach before settling down again. At some point Dirk stopped looking at the movie and started looking at Karkat’s orange horns, just barely visible behind all that hair.

  
”John and I watched the real version of this film, you know, the Alternian one,” Karkat said out of nowhere. ”He is seriously the most insufferable asshole I have ever had the misfortune of watching a film with. I mean, I had talked to him before, so my expectations were low, but I was still fucking disappointed by the sheer idiocy seeping through every word out of his stupid bucktoothed nutrition bin, like the stench of a rotting corpse in a cardboard box.”

  
John was the one who looked more than a little bit like Jake, on account of them being each other’s freaky ectobiology grandchildren. They were still different from each other in a million little ways, though. Jake still looked just a little bit shorter and younger, and his skin was a darker shade of brown than John’s, but more importantly John didn’t have the same hilariously antiquated way of speaking, or the same indecently short shorts, or the same stupid hair, or the same laugh, or the same gorgeous eyes. Anyway. Dirk had gathered that Karkat had some kind of hatecrush on John, and told him as much.

  
”Oh my fucking god, I thought you alpha session kids at least would be familiar with the proper terminology,” was his reply, his whole body tensing up again. ”Anyway I don’t have a hatecrush on him, I was just erroneously under that impression for a vanishingly small amount of time two sweeps ago when I was a tiny disgusting wiggler who thought I was some kind of authority on quadrants and the filling of pails and whatnot, when in reality I couldn’t even locate my own autoerotic shame globes.”

  
He groaned and threw his hands up, only to slowly drag them down the sides of his face.  
”If anything I guess I’m flushed for him, not that it fucking matters, because he is not a homosexual,” he continued, the mocking tone of his voice indicating that the last part was the stupidest thing he had ever heard.

  
”Yeah,” Dirk said, ”I am in a similar,” he adjusted his back a little to stop something sharp from digging into his shoulder, ”situation,” he finished in what he hopes is a neutral sounding voice. He was always better at text-based communication.  
Karkat went on and on about John: he talked about his awful hair and how he would never shut up during their troll movie marathons, and Dirk almost wanted to point out the irony of it, but then doesn’t, because he is all about the subtle irony of not pointing out an ironic situation.

  
Dirk didn’t know what to do with his hands. In the end he ended up resting one on each of Karkat’s thighs, sort of awkwardly petting them whenever the alien sounded particularly upset. He had gone back to talking about the first time he talked to John, that horribly embarrassing conversation he had tried to escape ever since.

  
”And he couldn’t even,” Karkat said for what was probably the third time, ”come straight out and fucking say that he didn’t like me or whatever, he just gave some bullshit reason about not being a human homosexual. How is that even a thing?”  
He suddenly sounded short of breath, and when Dirk sat up and pulled at his shoulders to make him turn around, he saw that Karkat was crying a little, that his face was striped with light candy-red tears. He looked so angry, at John and at himself and at the entire human race, and that is what made Dirk start talking.

  
Dirk told Karkat about how he fell in love with Jake English when he was thirteen, about trying to stop little hints, sort of testing the waters, and Jake always acting like he was completely oblivious, never wanting to address the obvious … thing between them. About how hard it was, hard and no one understood. About how when he finally told Jake, in what was likely the most awesome romantic proposition any boy had ever received, human or alien, Jake told him the same thing. Not gay. There wasn’t really much else to say.

  
At first he didn’t even notice the tears, and when he did was much too late, he was watching a romantic comedy while sitting in a pile with an alien and they were both crying pretty hard, and Dirk had moved his arms to curl them around Karkat’s back. Karkat was shorter than Jake, and a little chubbier, and his tears smelled strangely sweet.

  
After a while Dirk stopped crying, and Karkat stopped trying to talk, just let out little teary hiccoughs and curses now and then. They were sitting really close together now, and Karkat was still grabbing his wrists, yellow claws just barely digging into the skin of his arms. Dirk shifted a little, and Karkat let go. They looked at each other.

  
”Anyway, it’s totally a thing,” Dirk concluded, recalling his conversations with Roxy on the subject.  
”Like me, for instance,” he continued, ”I am a,” he hated himself for the little pause, ”homosexual. Look, the movie’s ending.”

  
They watched the ending credits in silence. Karkat was practically sitting on Dirk’s lap at this point, knees pointing towards him but with his head turned to watch the computer. When the music stopped he slowly turned his head back.

  
”So,” Karkat said, wiping his tears off on the sleeve of his shirt, ”a homosexual is when a boy likes another boy, correct?”  
”And then they have sloppy makeouts, yes, that is the general idea,” Dirk said, and then oh my god Karkat was grabbing his face and kissing him.


	2. Dirkles part deux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dirk and Karkles maybe make out a little, ending in them briefly and awkwardly doin’ it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may post a more coherent version of this sometime when it's not 2 AM, but I figured I'd left people waiting long enough. I would like to thank tumblr user Wonderbottom for meowrailing and for being enthusiastic about a pairing that currently only has one fanwork on AO3.  
> Any constructive criticism, any at all, is extremely welcome!

To be fair, it wasn’t very sloppy. Not at first. At first it was just Karkat pressing his lips against Dirk’s, and it was his first kiss and it tasted funny and alien. An alien who still tasted like skin and spit, but with a side of something strangely sweet, like cotton candy covered in ectoslime, and it felt really fucking _weird_ until he closed his eyes and imagined kissing Jake.

Dirk moved his hands from Karkat’s back up to the back of his head, got his fingers tangled in that wild hair and just let himself picture Jake. Jake sitting almost in his lap, still keeping a respectful distance between his crotch and Dirk’s. Jake’s long arms and legs and Jake’s torso under Jake’s stupid t-shirt. Yeah, okay, this was definitely Jake, mmm, Jake.

Jake’s lips were surprisingly soft and warm, although Dirk could feel the contours of the hard teeth and bones behind them. Soft and warm and - suddenly moving away from his.

”Fuck, these are annoying,” Karkat breathed, ”take your glasses off, you dipshit.”

Dirk opened his eyes to Karkat’s hands in front of his face, snatching his glasses off and throwing them somewhere behind the pile. They looked at each other for a moment. Karkat’s irises were red, the color wasn’t quite as strong as in some of the other trolls’ eyes – Karkat just wasn’t that far along in troll puberty, Dirk guessed – but definitely visibly red. Almost like his bro’s eyes, and wow that sort of went to a weird place.

Anyway, back to Jake.

Jake’s warm hands touching his face and Jake’s lips against his lips; Dirk opened his mouth and it was Jake’s tongue slipping into his mouth, cautiously at first, then a little braver when Dirk didn’t object. He obviously had no idea what he was doing, which made Dirk feel better about the sheer incompetence with which he was rubbing his tongue against Karkat’s. Then Karkat made a _sound_ , and yeah, this was nice.

Karkat’s hands had been slowly wandering from Dirk’s face down to his neck, then rubbing at his shoulders, then touching his chest, his claws just barely scraping against the fabric of Dirk’s shirt. He wondered how they would feel against his bare skin, but stopping to undress would probably be weird – as far as Dirk knew, trolls always wore their clothes, even while they slept. They would probably shower naked, though.

It took a while for Dirk to realize that he was no longer imagining kissing Jake. Karkat was just too _present_ – even when Dirk closed his eyes and tried to think about human warmth and short shorts- Karkat’s scent, the little noises he made, even the texture of his hair. And when Karkat bit his lip with those tiny, sharp fangs, well, it was pretty much impossible to imagine Jake’s buckteeth.

Dirk slowly opened his eyes. Karkat was too close for Dirk to really see him other than in blurry fragments – his grey skin, the lashes of his closed eyes, an orange horn in the corner of his eye. Karkat had rested one hand on the small of his back, the other was running up and down his side. It occurred to Dirk that if he shifted his hips just a little bit, moved even closer, he and Karkat would be pretty much straight up doin’ it.

In the end, it was Karkat who moved, pushing Dirk backwards until he was half-lying against the pile again. Then he was leaning down to kiss him again, and that respectful distance from before was definitely not a thing anymore, because Dirk could feel whatever Karkat had in his pants pressing against him. It _felt_ human enough, which is to say that it felt pretty good, and Dirk was back to thinking about Jake’s shorts when Karkat sort of _purred_ , and Dirk had to open his eyes again to get another look at his face.

He backed away just a little to get a good look, which made Karkat open his eyes to stare at him angrily, as if he was asking WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING just with a look from those red eyes that, if Dirk was being honest with himself, looked strangely like his bro’s. They looked like his bro’s and Dirk liked it, and fuck if THAT wasn't kinky as hell.

Karkat’s scleras were a dull, warm yellow, closer to Dirk’s text color than to the yellow-blooded troll’s shirt. He had a small overbite, his sharp fangs digging into his dark lips as he moved against Dirk.

Every part of him looked distinctly not-quite-human, which was kind of stupidly sexy. He looked a little bit like a puppet or a really sophisticated robot, but so much more expressive. Dirk lowered his hands a little until they rested on Karkat’s posterior. Sweet. Puppet. Ass.

Karkat made a frustrated sound, grabbed Dirk's right hand and shoved down the front of his pants, and wow. Dirk had always figured it would feel pretty weird the first time he touched another dude's downstairs, but this was really fucking _alien_ , all soft and wet and _moving_ , and Dirk wished Karkat would take his pants off so he could see what was going on down there, because it was kind of hard to visualize with no previous experience with alien junk. When Dirk sort of experimentally wriggled his fingers against whatever-it-was, Karkat made _sounds_ , louder and more urgent-sounding than before.

A small part of Dirk was still in shock that this he was _doing this_ , making it happen, so to speak, without first making some ironic comment to Jane. Without talking to Roxy. Without talking to Jake. He’d always thought they would be figuring this out together, him and Jake. Even when Jake laughed off his advances, and Dirk didn’t want to push it, he always thought Jake would come around. Well, when he did, Dirk would be ready. So ready. Nothing Jake did could be as weird as Karkat’s alien junk.   
  


It was even weirder when Karkat pushed his hand further down, and whoa, what was _up_ with troll anatomy? He pushed a finger upwards, and yep, that was definitely your typical fibromuscular tubular tract, reminiscent of a human vagina. Karkat looked furious.

 

 “Ow, you idiot, that’s not how you do it-“  
  
Dirk tried again, more carefully, and Karkat shuddered a little. He was really attractive. No, actually he was not attractive at all. But there was something about his body language, the  way he wore his skin and the bones that met and parted in ways subtly different from his own, his strangely expressive face, his small nose, the teeth biting into his own lips. And those eyes, only half-open now, eyelashes fluttering involuntarily now and then. Like little black butterflies. Dirk tried moving his fingers a little, first the index finger, then the others against the outside of whatever-it-was.

 

“Fuck, no, stop it, it’s – ah! It’s no use,” Karkat panted, shifting again.

“I need to - less clothes.”  
“I see.” Dirk was proud of how casual he sounded.

  
Karkat grabbed the hem of Dirk’s t-shirt and attempted to pull it over his head, then gave up half-way through and started on his pants instead. Belt, first.

 

Dirk pulled his hand out of Karkat’s pants and used both hands to very carefully ease the t-shirt over his hair. Not that it wouldn’t look totally awesome anyway. His hand was covered in something candy red, almost the color of Rudolph’s nose, really.

 

Karkat grimaced at him, but didn’t say anything, working towards opening the belt buckle with uncharacteristic carefulness, hands shaking just a little. He had nice hands, square and strong, but they still looked surprisingly delicate. One of his yellow nails barely scraped the skin of Dirk’s stomach, and Dirk let out a gasp. He decided holding his breath would probably be a good idea. He tried to look away, but the sound and the feeling brought his gaze back. Karkat pulled the belt off him and started on the button.

 

Fuck, it took forever, Karkat apparently sucked at opening buttons. Dirk ripped the button open and pulled the fly down, his hands and Karkat’s tangled together, before Karkat gently pushed his hands away, placed them on himself.

 

It wasn’t like anyone had ever touched him there before. He had thought about it, back when he first designed Sawtooth – to be honest he still thought about it sometimes, on uneventful afternoons or late at night when he couldn’t sleep, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do the nasty with one of his own robots. He wouldn’t even know how to approach a situation like that. Maybe it would have been almost like this, fumbling with the button on an alien’s black jeans while said alien tried to pull his boxers down. Dirk lifted his hips off the pile a little bit, slid further down, more lying than sitting at this point, and Karkat moved in even closer and oh my fuck

yeah, that was

 

pretty much it.

 

“Really? _Really_?”

 

Karkat didn’t even look angry, just slightly annoyed, as if he couldn’t believe he was losing his troll virginity to such an incompetent loser. If he _was_ losing his troll virginity. He hadn’t looked particularly surprised by any part of human anatomy, though Dirk found it hard to believe that he had really scored with any of the other humans without his knowledge. He grabbed Karkat by the shoulders and pulled him down to kiss him again, carefully at first, then harder. He tried to sit back up for better access to Karkat’s pants, breaking the kiss to get air. Karkat was breathing pretty hard when he finally got most of his clothes out of the way, and hey, wasn’t that interesting.

Dirk wrapped his right hand around Karkat’s weird troll dick, and Karkat made a sound that definitely wasn’t human. He moved his left hand down there as well, tried to push a finger inside Karkat, tried to catch Karkat’s lips in a kiss again, but the alien pushed his face away.

“Bucket,” he said, sounding strangely desperate.

“Right, right.”

Dirk tried to turn his head without moving his hands – he was sure he had seen a small bucket somewhere in the pile – yes, there it was, and Karkat let out a scandalized sound, obviously not aware that they had been half-lying on the bucket the whole time. Dirk clumsily turned around, standing on his knees while pulling the bucket from the belt of indistinguishable electronics it was stuck in. He spread his legs and pushed the bucket between them, attempting to pass it to Karkat, not really sure how this would be done. Karkat slumped forward, pushing Dirk down on all fours, elbows resting against the pile, face squished against what looked like half a smuppet. The weight above him was pleasantly warm and smelled almost like cotton candy on a hot day, but more - alive, somehow. 

Karkat held onto him with one hand, using the other to align himself with the bucket. He had buried his face in the back of Dirk’s head. His warm breath and alien sounds felt almost too close as he pushed against Dirk. Dirk flinched  when Karkat suddenly bit down onto his neck. It was painful, but not unpleasant. He had grabbed one of his hands, digging his yellow nails into the flesh, hard enough to draw blood, but only a little. And yeah, that was definitely purring.

When Karkat came, Dirk only wondered about the mechanics of troll sex a little bit. It was hard to focus on anything other than Karkat’s shaking, and the sounds he made. Dirk was fairly sure he heard a muffled “John” in there. They stayed like that for a long time, catching their breaths.

Karkat climbed off him, but didn’t let go of his hand.

“Get rid of that thing,” Karkat said after a while, gesturing towards the bucket, and Dirk quickly captchalogued it. Karkat was putting his pants back on.

“So,” Dirk said, “I’m going to go get my ablution on, I’ll see you around.”

God, he hated himself.

 


End file.
